I developed and launched an incredible camp this summer called Charm School BOOT CAMP with my dear friend, Megan. 1/2 classical Emily Post style etiquette meets 1/2 self-actualization/self-reliance/ self-esteem building/ assertiveness training. It was a beautiful success with emotions ranging from serious pensiveness to all out hysterical laughter and almost everything between. The 21 girls we were fortunate to have in the camp were so delightful as to be described as angelic. It was so wonderfully fun to discuss manners, charm, confidence, posture, and poise and it was equally fun to delve into the more powerful aspects of the program as well. For example: goal setting, study skills, women of historical note, friendship skills, and , of course, assertiveness. We discussed the media and how vicious a liar it can so often be. We talked about what it means to be cyber-savvy and safe. We talked about body image, clothes, modesty, exercise and nutrition. I want to discuss the camp at a later date with more detail. For today I want to zero in on one important question: Is etiquette passé? A relic? A thing of the past? Antiquated? A has been? A thing for grannies and grampies? "O-V-E-R" ???
Alas, lest the last four generations of Posts turn in their graves, I am pleased to answer the question in the negative. Of course it's not passé! I am happy to say etiquette is still vitally important today, perhaps more than ever. And, what's more, it is our only hope if we are to enjoy a society that honors its citizens, reveres what is graceful and gallant, respects the best in each person, and seeks to offer others comfort, compassion, and care.
What is etiquette? The word comes from the French referring to the little signs telling you what to do and and what not to do, where to go and not go. Back in the days of Louise the XIV the word actually referred to those little signs that said, "Stay on the path" and "Do Not Walk on the Flowers" but we use the word today to refer to the do's and don'ts of how to interact well with others. You see, etiquette keeps us "on the path", as it were. It keeps us from trouncing on innocent little "flowers". In real life these little flowers may take the form of other people's feelings. I think the feelings of other people are worth protecting and that is why I think etiquette is not only not dead but is a really powerful tool, vital to anyone who hopes to honor or inspire another human individual.
What etiquette IS NOT: Etiquette has nothing to do with being stuffy. It's not about being a snob or a know-it-all. Etiquette is about making others feel valuable, appreciated, comfortable, and cared for. When we set a gorgeous table, hopefully it isn't merely to impress people. Hopefully it is to let our guests know that we are celebrating something special with them, that we honor them and are grateful for their friendship, that we think giving them a special meal is delightful and so we put in some special effort to please the eye and the pallet as well. Likewise, when we use words like "please, thank you, delighted, of course, right away, I'd be honored, and you are very welcome" we are expressing that we feel the person we are talking to is important and worthy of our respect. Even if it is someone we hardly know it shows our general respect for humankind as well as respect for ourselves. Even when we are dealing with someone we've previously perceived as offensive, perhaps showing that person respect will provide a disarming effect, if not merely offer him or her a better example. When people feel respected they are much more likely to feel comfortable and when people feel comfortable it is only then they feel safe. Only then will a person open up and allow a friendship to bloom.
Etiquette is about helping people feel safe and secure while in your presence. Being trustworthy goes hand in hand with proper etiquette. Keeping harmless secrets to yourself, avoiding idle gossip for the sake of it, being a truth teller; these are all essential to good etiquette. Using a calming tone of voice rather than speaking clamorously helps people feel secure around you. Speaking loudly can be very offensive, whether or not the intentions are malignant. It hurts people's ears and feelings whether or not you realize it. Etiquette asks us to speak clearly, calmly, and often with conviction. It is good to ask valued friends plenty of questions and not center on the topic of YOU all the time. It's great to relate stories back and forth. We just need to to make sure the topic is never exclusively The Adventures of the Fascinating Me. Everyone is fascinating. The person with good etiquette knows this better than anyone.
To offer a humble conclusion, if I may, etiquette is not old news nor is it exclusively for those who can afford to drive automobiles of western European design. I am suggesting that etiquette is for all of us. It helps us relate to each other more meaningfully. It communicates sincerity and care. It seeks to celebrate and soften. When we are displaying bad manners we can damage relationships whether or not our intentions were bad. Etiquette helps us know what works when it comes to human behavior. It is reliable because it has been tried by millions of humans over hundreds if not thousands of years. It is time tested and sound. It's not about being perfect all the time. Rather, it's about trying our best to help others feel valued in our company. I would say that is worth a little effort. I know first hand that etiquette helps our relationships and fosters respect and admiration. It lays the groundwork for richness in our interactions and makes real friendship and love possible and that is what makes life worth living.
