My Friends: Chapter 13: Megan

  This one's been a long time comin'!  Megan is the dearest girl.  We are both Kindergarten teachers at Davis.  We were recently roomies, right before I got married.  We started two modestly successful businesses this year.  We just got back from a road trip to west Texas.  And with all this togetherness, I've gatta say, we've weathered well together.
  I met Megan when I was fresh off the divorce train.  I was returning to Austin after living in the Chicago area for a year and she had just moved here from north Texas where she'd been teaching pre-k, special education.  We both attended the "new and/or returning teachers meeting" at Davis Elementary where we, and perhaps two or three others, sat around a table talking about our personality profiles, goals for the year, and leadership styles with our principal.  I remember thinking she seemed a kindred soul but I wasn't positive until a couple years later when we took a school-wide excursion to Port Aransas for a teacher training on the marine sciences.  Amid funnel clouds, rained out field studies, and some very cranky, drenched teachers we managed to launch a sea/storm worthy friendship.
  Our first conversations centered on music.  We found we knew and liked many of the same indie bands of note.  She, being the hipper of the two, knew a lot more than I about the names, dates, and histories of the bands of interest.  Still, it was enough to ignite a budding interest in hanging out more.
  Interestingly, it took a couple more years to act on our rapport.  Teachers don't always get the chance to see other teachers during the work week.  And at the time I was in second grade, halls away from kindergarten.  But at staff parties and gatherings we would always find each other and we'd talk about art and music, guys and gals, food and film.  We always had a connection but never managed to turn it into grounds for regular outings until a couple years after that.
  Because of a fluke in the regular schedule, kindergarten had lunch after first grade, which meant we  second grade teachers had our lunch overlap slightly with kindergarten teachers.  I was so thrilled because that meant Megan and I could chat everyday at lunch time!  It didn't take long before we were planning regular outings.  We finally had the momentum to launch our camaraderie.
  Playing games, going dancing, singing karaoke, eating ill-advised foods, talking shop, talking sh@%, and seeing an opera were all part of the routine suddenly.  We bonded over our mutually failing relationships, both with fascinating characters who just couldn't seem to part with their level three Peter Pan syndrome long enough to pull on their big boy shorts.  It was really tough times but I think having each other was helpful.
  Before we knew it Megan needed new living arrangements.  I was living alone and welcomed the idea of not living alone.  BINGO!  Being roomies was seriously fun if not, at times, feeling like I was on some sort of reality show about kindergarten teachers burning at both ends.  All in all, it was an amazing time and I think we learned a lot from one another.
  Megan is an exceptional teacher and she's taught me some powerful lessons, perhaps without realizing it.  She taught me that it's okay not to have meat with every single meal.  She taught me a lot about being a cool Catholic.  She taught me about hard work and dedication to ideals.  She taught me how to be organized and tidy.  She taught me a lot about art and beauty.  Mostly, Megan taught me about the art of introspection.  She expresses herself in such a way as to model how one might begin a dialogue from within.  I really value her commitment to reflection.
  During the pre-wedding craziness Megan was the greatest right hand gal.  She co-hosted two gorgeous bridal showers, helped me pick out flowers, dresses, make up, and shoes, and listened when I was feeling crazed.  I felt supported during what might otherwise have been a chaotic time.
 I feel like Megan and I are in this for the long haul.  She's one of my all time besties, and that's a fact.  LOVE YOU, MACINTOSH!!!               

Ely Part II

Picture it, December 2011, Austin, Texas, nearly time for school to let out for the holidays. What were my plans? Well, I could go to El Paso and risk causing my family more grief about my single "situation". I could go to my brother's house in Colorado and do the same up there. Hmmmmm, no thanks! I did something completely different and went up to Saratoga Springs, New York to visit my beloved Judy and her family. Judy moved to New York the previous summer, to my heart's demise. Still, all considered, it was a good move considering her husband's cool new job and the beautiful community they moved to.
Once the arrangements were made I began to feel giddy. Judy has a way of inspiring such feelings no matter what is going on but this time we had a HUGE reason to feel excited. NYNY!!! AHHHHH!!!!! I'd never been and I was walking on air just thinking about it. The architecture, the food, the lights, the Christmas decorations, the shopping, the cathedrals, the park, EVERYTHING!!! I can't explain my anticipation.
One night while I was catching up on all things Facebook I noticed a familiar name. Friend request from, AH!! Ely Allington? Oh, my! I responded in the affirmative to his friend request, of course. I must admit, I was very curious about how he was doing. Was he married? In a relationship? Was it "complicated"? Was he still a practicing Mormon? Children? Was he still hot? Was he "interested in women" or men? I'd been surprised before on Facebook with how different people had changed in unexpected ways. The goth chick turned attorney, the super jock turned club kid, the preppy turned tattoo artist, the drug addict turned religious fanatic, the drop out turned business tycoon. Ely's sexuality was never in question but stranger things have happened.
Anyway, all things looked good as I glanced over his info. Not that many pictures but still very hot. Hotter than ever, actually. I dropped him a quick line, something like "Hey, you! How's life?" He responded, "Pretty good. How is life for Kristin?" We started a dialogue, thusly. At first it was all via Facebook. Then it spilled into an online game called Words With Friends, kind of a Scrabble game played between opponents over their smart phones. It often lasts for days, if not weeks. Suffice it to say Ely was kicking my trash which led me to my next move. I wanted to talk on the phone. I now knew he was smart enough to want to talk to. Shallow as it seems, I really did think exactly that way.
By this time I was already in New York. On the train, oh so early in the morning, heading from upstate to the city, Judy and I were talking all about school and our friends and chatting about our goals for the new year when I received a little message from Words With Friends.
"Ely beat me AGAIN!! Blast that guy!"
"Who's Ely?"
"Oh, he's, um, just an old friend. We play Words With Friends and he's always beating me. It's infuriating."
Maybe it's a false memory, I'm not really sure, but as I reflect on it I see Judy's face aglow with a knowing smile.
The city was more interesting, beautiful, and exciting than I could have dreamed. I feel like I need to spend a month or so there to really appreciate it on a meaningful level. But our day there was SO much fun. I will have to write a separate piece on that trip. For the purposes of this entry I will focus on Ely.
So he texted me on New Year's eve, two days before our trip into the city, to say happy New Year. I returned the wishes. We talked about maybe talking on the phone. I was excited to do just that but I thought it would be better to wait until I got home so as not to disturb the little sleepers in the bedrooms around me.
I got home in what one could call one piece even though I felt a little like I'd left a piece of my heart in New York with Judy and company. It was fun to be back with Megan. We exchanged holiday stories and talked about goals as well. I told her about Ely, just a little bit, seeing as how I wasn't sure what talking would yield.
We scheduled a night to talk. I sent him my phone number. He called. I was scared.
"Hello?" said his familiar and sweet voice.
"Hi!" said my excited voice, trying to mask nervousness.
I can't really remember everything we talked about, all I know is once we hung up I had a very large smile on my face and a giggle in my throat and butterflies in my tummy. As I tried to shake it it just wouldn't be shook. So I stopped shaking.
At school among the teachers we referred to him as "the suitor". It was half a joke half dead serious. It sounded funny but that's really what he was, a suitor. That's what he had already made plain in week two of our phone conversations when he admitted having feelings.
"So, we should take a trip for Spring Break. Seattle maybe?" I asked.
"Hmmm, how about I come out to Austin?" he suggested
"Oh! Okay. When?" I asked.
"What about next week? MLK weekend?" he asked.
"Sure! I'll take Friday off and we have Monday off already," I said.
"Great!"

And there it was. I'd be seeing him, face to face, again, after all those years. I was beside myself with nervous energy.

I went to pick him up that Friday morning from the airport. Did my hair look okay? Was I wearing the right thing? Too much make up? Not enough? Did I look too fat? Ugh. Scared. Just scared. Then there he was, walking toward me from the luggage carousel, nervous half smile. So, so cute. We embraced, finally. We collected his bags and went to the car.
The long weekend yielded many things; kisses, new brakes (a la Ely), wonderful meals, even better conversations, and that thing that happens so often in stories but never in real life where you just KNOW. He said so first. And it was funny because I thought it before he'd ever said it.
"Let's go to the jewelry store." he said.
"Seriously?" I asked.
"Seriously. It'll be fun." he said.

So we went. I tried on some pretty dreamy things. Ely bought be a gorgeous band with diamonds and emeralds on a white gold band. It was a "promise ring". When I went back to pick it up after it had been sized they gave me two rings. He had purchased the matching engagement ring also. And that, as they say, was that. We started planning a wedding.

We met in El Paso and went to my parents' for Presidents Day weekend. Ely asked my parents for their blessing and they lovingly agreed, after a long lecture about deference, commitment, God, religion, family, and compromise. YEAH!! We celebrated at Cattleman's famous Steak House with my parents, little brother and his family, too. It was so wonderful to have the approval of my parents. I'd never felt that from them before, as it relates to someone I was dating seriously. It felt amazing. Everyone was so happy for us!

We spent the rest of the weekend finding Ely's ring, suit, shoes, tie, etc. After scouring the city we found everything in the last place we checked. Thank you, Burlington Coat Factory! Who knew they sold titanium rings? Size 8, no less!! We were pretty excited.

The next day we went to Las Cruces, New Mexico to celebrate our engagement yet again at my dear friend Angie's home. Ely's old high school friends were gathering there. It was so fun. We ate Lebanese food to our hearts' content. It was awesome catching up and seeing Ely's friends so happy for us.

So....we went to our separate homes. OPERATION: WEDDING.

Stay tuned.

NOLA

I know some of you will want to have my head for this but Ely Part II will have to wait. Judging by some of your eager emails I know you will be puzzled about why I've chosen to skip entry 2 in order to celebrate my honeymoon in New Orleans. I assure you, I am as eager to write Part Two as you are to read it. Still, as a writer, I must disappoint you, I hope not too much, dear reader, for I do so in order to properly document my amazing journey into the heart of the French Quarter of New Orleans, Louisiana. I feel blessed to have made this journey with my very favorite person in this world, my sweet Ely.
Our journey had been a stormy one. We married at 11:00am on March 10th in Austin, Texas. The rain was coming down in the proverbial sheets. Miraculously, the Botanical Gardens situated us into the Green Room; a beautiful windowed room resembling a chapel of sorts. There were pretty garden chairs fashioned with jade green cushions on either side of an aisle. The rain showered down on the large windows. We took charming pictures outside with our bride and groom umbrellas, me in my black and white striped rain boots. Made for some cute pictures.
We stayed in Houston that night. Our drive was punctuated with thunder and lightning. It slowed enough for us to walk from our hotel to a sushi restaurant.
The next day we drove to Lake Charles. The water was relentless that night. Cars stalling, roads closing. By the time we made it to New Orleans the streets of the French Quarter were still wet but the skies were finally clearing. We noticed the streets, how crowded and narrow they were. It was just about dusk and there was already a buzz of nighttime magic in the air. I thought, And this is just Monday! We made it to our Chateau and brought up all our luggage. The lady at the front desk was kind but also a little lacking in the usual patronizing glee you get at most American hotels. She bore an air of pride as if to say You are so lucky to be staying here without really being eager to prove it. I liked her. She told us that a film was being shot this week and that we needed to park our cars in the public lot around the corner. "What film?" we asked excitedly. "I really have no idea. Ahem, you will be charged $19.95 for the internet this week, alright?" "Of course."
We found the parking lot. It seemed well watched and safe. A driver took our car to an upper level. Ely paid the $80 for the four days we'd be leaving our car there. We knew we wouldn't be needing a car. Nearly everything we wanted to do and see was to be found on foot or by street car. We were in the center of what many explorers call the most interesting city in America.
Once our car was safely stowed we ventured to find food.
We noticed two long lines developing outside two adjacent oyster bars. Ely suggested we join the longer line, taking it as a sign of food quality and popularity. I keenly agreed. We waited in line for nearly a hour. People in line were assuring us we were about to experience a culinary wonder. We were certainly hoping that would be the case and indeed it was. We immediately ordered a half dozen char grilled oysters. They were sublime. Still hungry, we ordered a soft shell crab po-boy and fries and shared them. Cokes in hand we toasted sea food, New Orleans, and young love. It was delicious.
With insatiable desire to explore the French Quarter we set off. We saw incredible sights; Jazz on every corner, tipsy college kids by the hundreds on their spring break, mimes, palm readers, elderly couples in tight groups walking with simultaneous caution and awe, dancers, singers, voodoo enthusiasts, shop owners shouting the praises of their various wares, people in masks, costumes, and on stilts. Almost everyone carried a drink in hand. We looked up and finally saw the street sign: BOURBON STREET. No wonder.
Somehow we made it into a gorgeous hotel and followed the music to a little dinner club. It looked rather exclusive and we didn't know if we'd be invited in but we were, and gladly. We sat in the back of the dark, velvety room and listened to the trumpet, trombone, upright base, piano, drums, and voices make fools of us, turn us into mush, make us fall in love a little more deeply, not just with each other but with the music itself, the other people in the room, the people outside to room, all of New Orleans. The magic was thick and rich and dark. Charming is too trite a word for it. It was luscious. That's what it was; luscious.
After that we ventured to a few other luxury hotels, just to look around. The art, flowers, statues, antiques, silken heavy drapes, and thick carpets were impressive.
On the walk home we saw a few galleries that I became excited to visit the next day. We made it back to the Chateau in a state of awe that made it hard to feel tired.
The next day was Adventure Deu. We found Jackson Square and all it's wonders including great shops, interesting galleries, and Cafe Du Monde, best beignets in NOLA. We found charming cafe after cafe. We enjoyed rich desserts and delicious seafood. We went into a casino to use the facilities and explored the floors a bit. Colorful, alight with brilliance in both sight and sound, we played a slot machine, lost good spiritedly, and walked over to the pier. We explored the riverside mall for a little while, bought a few gifts for the folks back home, and made our way over to the Creole Queen Dinner Boat.
A photographer took our picture in front of the boat. I insisted we pose like I had for a play I was in in 1996, Showboat, where me and my partner were supposed to be "looking out to sea". I just looked directly into the camera while Eddie looked off into some unknown distance. Once the shot came out in the papers Eddie was mad because I made him look stupid. "Why didn't you look out to sea, Kristin?!!" I'm sorry, where was the sea, exactly? I don't remember the photographer being very specific about that locale. Anyhoo, the cruise was lovely, romantic, and very very chilly. We were downright COLD before we knew it. We tried to take shelter inside the middle level of the three story boat but we didn't warm up much. The AC was blaring and no one on the boat seemed willing to change that. The band was playing jazz hits from the last century in all the verve a trio of white 50 somethings possibly can. It was really quite sweet. The sweet bartender, a slight blond woman in her early sixties, made us hot chocolate. We found a place to hide, the King's Room. It was dark, abounding in dinner tables, an empty bar, and a pretty good view of the red wooden boat propellers. We wrapped ourselves in black linen table cloths, looked out the window, sighed, and then made out like teenagers.
The next day we went to Huck Finn's for brunch. It was really good food! We tried their beignets but were disappointed. We made it over to the New Orleans Aquarium and saw all she had to offer. We saw so many incredible creatures! Sharks, fish of all shapes and sizes, alligators, snakes, exotic birds, jellyfish, frogs, and rays. We watched an IMAX movie about elephant and orangutan preservation. (More making out during that.) We did some more shopping, this time for ourselves. We went to the Croc store where I got my first pair of Crocs. Ely swears by them and so I was curious. I used to refer to them as the birth control shoes, they being so unsightly, but I must admit they have come a long way as far as attractiveness goes and I bought a pair of lovely slender blue ones. Wow, are they comfortable! I got a couple glimmering little charms to clip in the holes. Ely got a pair of Croc tennis shoes. Our feet were happy little venturers once more.
We were off to dinner at the Crazy Lobster. I convinced Ely we should order the lobster bucket for two. It says lobster bucket but it comes with King Crab legs, lobster tails, mussels, scallops, clams and corn and potatoes all in a shiny little pail! How extraordinary! Well, we waited and waited and waited and the waitress was not altogether kind to us. As my stomach grumbled I made a decision. It was time to high tail it and go go go. So we did. I'm not sure what ever happened to our lobster bucket. The world may never know. But we found ourselves a fabulous Lebanese place and I had my first Middle Eastern seafood. It was great!
Down the street a bit we saw an old gypsy with her tarot card table set up in front of her. We had discussed wanting to have our cards read earlier that night. Here she was! She worked for donations so we were happy about that. Elizabeth sat us down, had us shuffle and break, concentrate on our birthdays, then she told us all about our favorite topic: us. To make a long reading short she told us we were going to have a long, happy life together; children, grandchildren, the works. She gave us some insight into our work lives that we found exciting and warned us about some of our tendencies, etc. She advised us in a number of ways to be calm and let life happen. Some of the things she said were so right on that it made us feel spooky. It was pretty cool, I must admit.
The next morning we were determined to get to the famous Garden District but first we just had to stop in at The Court of the Two Sisters for their famous brunch. It was nothing short of miraculous. All the food! And all you want. Fresh fruit in all its varieties, sweets that could make straight hair go curly, and eggs made to make your mouth's wishes some true! We indulged. Turtle soup, omelets, crab cakes, coconut cake, we had it all. And the place was just gorgeous. Canopies of purple flowers hung over our heads as we enjoyed one of the best meals of our lives. The shade of the table's umbrella made it just cool enough to feel perfect outside. Of course, a jazz band played while we ate in a lull of delight.
We took a street car to get to the Garden District. The street cars look a lot like trolleys with open windows, charming polished wooden seats, red or green and gold on the outside, all brassy accents and as cute as a mode of transportation could possibly be. We enjoyed it thoroughly.
Once we set foot in the Garden District we noticed all the beautiful homes. All of them looked Victorian. Some had amazing glass and wood work. All the yards were groomed in delightful ways. Porches were laden with blossomed pots and graced with a rocking chair or two. I noticed the cars along the streets wore Mercedes or BMW branding. We were in the ritzy part of the city now. Many of the homes bore plaques of historical significance. Generals, Diplomats, and Famous entertainers had once lived in some of these stately domiciles. We talked about what we liked about each of the homes we passed. It was fun to just see it all.
We saw a cemetery and sought to enter. Alas, we were met with disappointment. It was closed for the day. Who knew cemeteries closed at night? Just when the potential fun begins, too. Oh, well.
We ventured further and found a little cafe to rest our feet and get a drink. We walked on and found a bookstore. We asked the cashier if she knew where the gardens were in the illustrious Garden District. She explained that the architecture and yards in front of the homes was all there was to see in the Garden District. We laughed, as we felt like such ignorant tourists.
We rode back on the street car, I think it was named Desire, and got back to our beloved French Quarter. Ely suggested we try the oyster bar across the street from the one we had enjoyed that first night. We ordered a half dozen Rockefellers and fries. We had to admit that the first night's oysters put these to shame.
We were so pooped that night we opted to order pizza instead of venturing out. We were pretty much vacationed out. Making it to the zoo had proven more than we could handle this trip. The insectarium had to be missed also. But, all in all, we felt like we had covered a lot of ground, both figuratively and literally.
The next morning we left New Orleans, a little forlorn but a lot satisfied. I really love New Orleans. Everybody calls you sweetie or baby and everyone seems giddy and alive. People love dancing and singing and jazz is its own religion down there. It's really something. I'll never forget it. They say New Orleans is the Jazz Capital of the World. I know that it's the place I shared my honeymoon with the most lovable man on earth! And when the saints go marching in, he and I will be marching in with them, hand in hand.

Ely Allington

Picture it: Summer 1993, Las Cruces, New Mexico, the moist, green grass of the north mall of New Mexico State University smelled as good as it looked. I was 14, lanky, long haired, too cute for my own good and way too "smart" for anyone's good, especially my own. And what thought would enter my "oh so cute, oh so smart" little head that fateful day? I wanted to spend time with a boy I had met only the previous day at church. He was fun to talk to and nice to look at and charming to boot. My cousin told me a fair few things about the boy: he was 18, just graduated from Mayfield high school, played soccer and football, and had been dating a girl named Connie who was away for the summer. My grandma had always told me, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, for somebody else!" So, abiding that notion, I set to work on my plan: Operation ELY ALLINGTON. I was visiting my cousin, Angie, and her family and spent most of the summer in Las Cruces that year. Ely was the primary reason for my extended stay. He was sweet and handsome and fun and attentive. When he found out I was only fourteen I thought he would lose interest. He was visibly disappointed that he'd be entering college just as I'd be entering high school. It was a scandalous age gap at the time.
That day at NMSU went something like this: Angie called Ely, asking him if he'd like to join us at THE PIT, a place where college bands played for small audiences on the grounds of the university. Next thing I knew he was there, in the flesh. His black hair glimmered in the sunlight. His tan skin seemed to glow beneath his faded blue shirt. He took his hat off and swept his hair out of his eyes. I was done for. That very day we walked about hand in hand as if we'd been doing that forever. Being with Ely felt natural and right. But how could it be? I wasn't even allowed to date until I turned sixteen. Besides, wasn't he dating this elusive Connie that he never seemed too anxious to talk about? Beyond these complications was the fact that he still had a two year mission to serve, probably abroad, and I had four years of high school ahead of me. Odds seemed dismal.
Ely worked at Baskin Robbins. Suffice it to say I've tried at least 31 flavors in my lifetime and at least 24 of those flavors were sampled that very summer with Ely. Ahem, this is not a metaphor, for those of you whom I know are reading into my words here. No, no, he really let me sample just about every flavor. Well, at least the ones I was interested in.
The summer went by way too fast. There was lots of ice cream, holding hands, long phone calls and even slow dancing involved. I found myself really liking this boy. I felt torn and upset about the fact that I'd have to return to my parents' home in El Paso and start high school.
After weeks of mournful stewing I was somehow able to convince my parents to let me live with my cousin and her family in Las Cruces! I registered for my classes at Mayfield, moved virtually all my possessions into my cousin's bedroom that we'd be sharing, and commenced planning my future with Ely. What I hadn't bet on was Connie's return and what that would mean.
Needless to say things didn't work out with Ely. Connie came home, they broke up after she heard about me, Ely became withdrawn as he prepared for his mission to Japan, I started dating someone my own age (that made Ely seriously upset), and I eventually moved back to El Paso after less than one semester at Mayfield.
I never forgot my darling boy in the pink Baskin Robbins collared shirt. I would sometimes picture him as he was on the night he got his Eagle Scout: stalwart, serious, bold, handsome, and masculine. I remember crying about it one night on the bottom bunk under a sleeping Angie, just pleading with God to somehow bring us together when the time was right. Who knew it would take nearly 20 years?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Truly Truant

In high school I went through a phase where I thought attending school was optional. I didn't categorize it as "skipping" or "ditching" class. I just didn't always think it necessary to be in class in person. I'd rather walk across the street and smoke cigarettes at the café, write in my journal, or read morose poetry. Sometimes I'd manage to convince someone to while away an hour in my company. We might walk to the golf course, interview old people at the donut shop, or shop for bunny slippers. Sometimes I would just walk straight home. My mom might be there and I'd ring the doorbell. "What are you doing here, Kristin?" She would ask puzzled, and perhaps a little worried. "Don't feel well. Plus, my bra broke." My poor teenage body insisted on growing at an outrageous pace in those days. Days when my socks and my shoes were an ill-fitted match I'd just come home. Like when I tried to wear loose socks with my clogs and the socks kept bunching up around my arches and slipping off my ankles and heels. On days like that I would just walk home, socks in hand. I didn't see the point in suffering through a class or a day with bunchy socks, asymmetrical breasts, or a hankering for a cigarette. Other days I just felt like talking and not listening. On those days I would try and get a companion. Sometimes it was Ryan Markel, long time friend and fellow writer, artist, and smoker. We'd discuss the state of public education and all the ways in which it made us ill, or maybe we'd talk about sexuality and whether anyone could safely define themselves conclusively as either "homosexual" or "heterosexual". Such is the audacity of youth. Sometimes we'd plan our lives. I'd end up making millions writing commercials or singing jingles or being a one hit wonder. Ryan said he'd be happiest working in a restaurant and reading as much as he possibly could without distractions or demanding time constraints. I wanted to live in a hacienda palace. He wanted nothing more than a simple apartment. Ryan's palaces have always been fully furnished in his mind. Girls like me lack the imagination to feel secure in the mind's eye alone. I seem to require comforts the senses can enjoy "hands on". But it was fun to sit around or lie around chattering about nothing and everything all at once. Sooner or later my blasé attitude about school attendance came to a head. I had just taken a long hot shower after an exhausting half day of school. I was home. My mom knew I was there. All was right with the world. I donned my eggplant tarry robe and swirled a hair towel around my royal teenage head and stepped out into the hallway. "DING DONG!" Doorbell? Who might this be? I peeked through the peephole. No one I knew. I opened the door a crack. A short Latino gentleman in his latter fifties stood on the welcome mat, eyes greatly magnified behind thick lenses. "Are the parents of Kristin Marie Ferrell at home?" "Maybe. Who are you?" "I am a truant officer for the Ysleta Independent School District. Kristin has been truant more than ten times this semester and this is an official document explaining the legal consequences to both her and her parents…",

"Sir, excuse me, but are we in Russia? Did I miss something here? I am Kristin Marie Ferrell and I have some very good reasons for not always making it to class." "Well Miss, you may have to explain that to a judge." "Right. I'll take that document. Thank you and good day. SLAM!"

"Who was that, Kristin?"

"TRUANT OFFICER!? What kind of trick is Dad trying to pull this time?!"

Explanation: My father has a flare for the dramatic. He's been known to make a point using some very unconventional methods, sometimes involving police officers, lawyers, teachers, counselors, and judges in his dramatics. How was I to know this was legit? Well, it was. He was a real truant officer with a real legal document. My Dad must have had a tet a tet with the judge because we never went to court. He did, however, agree to attend afternoon classes with me for a few days. I never seemed to miss my morning classes so those were safely attended. I'll never forget it. There was my Dad in Algebra, Geology, and Photojournalism; my Daddy, in his tailored Texan gray suit and shiny alligator boots, briefcase, mustache, stern expression. I loved him in ways I couldn't articulate for years hence. He came to Hanks High School to make an impression on his wayward daughter: school is important. Learning is worth some drudgery, some discipline. Sometimes in life we just need to be in the right place at the right time. Do what 's right, even when it's hard. I learned those things and many more from my father. He valued education and the opportunities it afforded. I graduated from high school, went on to college, graduated with high academic honors from The University of Texas at Austin, and have been gainfully employed ever since. I owe my successes in great part to my father and mother who supported me financially, emotionally, and spiritually through my younger years. I'm glad they stressed the importance of school. I'm glad I turned out to be a pretty decent member of society, one who still loves interviewing people at the donut shop, reading morose poetry, buying bunny slippers, but one who detests cigarette smoke.

A Meditation on Miracles

Sometimes, when I'm listening to a song, it has to be a certain kind of song, I lose every ounce of my ego and I get completely lost. It's an ecstasy like nothing else, like a communion. I feel that way when I listen to The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. It breaks my heart in all the right ways. It's seriously, deliciously soul crushing. It's the words. It's the cyclical verses and how they go and go and go, same, same, same like a meditation, a chant almost. It's the layering of instruments: chimes, guitars, voices layering, little percussion, big percussion, piano, words, words, words, true little daggers hitting it right on the head, right in the heart, bull's eye. It's ethereal and yet logical, artistic and yet intellectual. How? I don't know! I don't know! But it is. It's the best worst thing for someone like me, all that truth and beauty in one ironic verse after another. Like my life, almost. One dance with irony after another. Do I seek it? Is it my fault? Do I have something inside me that draws me toward impossible things on purpose? Am I trying to fool myself? Convince myself and everybody else that I really AM trying? But time after time only going for things that I know are doomed? It's possible. But how does one stop? Apparently I am a sucker for lost souls. This manifests in a myriad of ways. I date people who are addicted to harmful things. I date people who are emotionally unavailable. I date people who don't believe in God. I date people who don't work. I date people who don't like themselves very much. I date people who are in love with other people. What am I doing? And more important still, why am I doing it? Am I one of these sad persons who loves hopelessly arduous challenges? Oh, poor little girl. I hope not. I am generally a happy girl, full of effervescent bubbles over just about anything. My default is laughing. I am most myself in a laugh. But I do such unfunny things so often. I find myself admiring the most unsuitable partners. No joke. Can't laugh.
I had a talk with one of my favorite men in this world last night. He is my friend and confidant. We were talking about my latest love interest. I was sharing my hopes a little bit. He said some of nicest things I've ever heard. I can't share it all due to the sacred nature of the material but I will share this: he said he wanted me to be happy, truly and purely. He told me I was such a good girl and that he sees me as such a fearless sort of person, navigating in a world where it would seem I don't really belong and doing so with absolute grace. I just kind of wanted to fall down dead asleep right then and there and just call it a day so that nothing else could intervene and ruin a perfect day. This friend of mine is so sensitive a guy, the gentlest, strongest, purest kind of person, full of actual love for others and so clear and expressive about it. He was concerned about my crush. He said I was the most emotionally expressive and honest person he knows and that he hoped I'd end up with someone of that caliber. This person I am crushing on seems a most unwilling character, emotionally anyway. That conversation got me thinking, what would it be like to be with someone absolutely harmless, I mean truly guiless? What in the world does that feel like? Someone without any secret agendas, no lies, no names to call, no girls on the side, no secret debts that I'll have to help pay off, no colossal ego issues? What on earth would it be like to have something honest and sweet and just kind and pure and then have it actually last? I know these guys exist. I know them. Some of them are married. Some of them are related to me. They really are that way, just unabashedly lovely, loving, generous, attentive to their wives and children and friends, me included. My band is composed of such individuals, I am happy to say. Because of this unique union we are able to enjoy playing very honest and moving music, without wit, without wanting credit, without vanity. The world can be so vapid, so substanceless, so irrelevant, mechanical, crude, and meaningless. When these moments of meaning unfurl, often unexpectedly, it can be so renewing, energizing, and inspiring. I'm just grateful for how often I get to experience these moments and how the friends I've been blessed with, the people I've chosen to be mine, offer such treasures with such regularity. May I never become so spoiled I forget to notice my miracles.

Please listen to The Trapeze Swinger

Trapeze Swinger lyrics

Please, remember me, happily,
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin, the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill, and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention

But please remember me, fondly,
I heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
have some eloquent graffiti
like: “we'll meet again” and “f*** the Man”
and “tell my mother not to worry”
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry

and please remember me, at Halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world and then returned
and now you're lit up by the city

so please remember me, mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by, but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate just like the gates
around the Holy Kingdom
with words like: “lost and found” and “don't look down”
and “someone save temptation”

and please remember me, as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior

but please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all I wanted
those dogs that love the rain, and chasin' trains
the colored birds above there runnin'
in circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter
so bright on cinder gray in spray paint:
“who the hell can see forever?”

and please remember me, seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees, you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last, the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear, but if I make the Pearly Gates
I’ll do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissin’ on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze-swinger

nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8aPyBr-_S0

Guess What? I'm Angry.

It's an incredibly complicated world. There are things I simply don't understand and then there are things I wish I didn't understand but experience has taught me too much already and denial seems impossible. Like, for example, how so many men are mean to women because they are so insecure. Where did this all begin? I have experienced it again and again. Those who want you and say all the right things and then humiliate you the second they don't get what they thought they were due. Whether it's another date, exclusivity, sex, or your wallet, many men don't take disappointment well. Which brings me to my next concern: ANGER.

Why is anger a man's default so often? It manifests in a myriad of ways: jealousy, passive aggression, subtle mind games, and all out rage. I've seen all of these. Sometimes I look back at my dating life and I can see these patterns of such intolerance and even hatred for certain things women do. Specifically me. What do I mean? I mean the way they compete with me in their own heads for attention, status, power, jobs, money, everything. How dare you have talents, job offers, friends, and attention from the opposite sex? How dare you succeed? How dare you win? How dare you? Who do you think you are? Augh. It's awful.

Then there's the laziness, the excuses, the idleness. How can I respect it? I can't. That's why things have ended with the lazies. "The economy is so bad right now." Why aren't you pounding the pavement looking for work, man? "I need to be on call. My parents need my help right now running errands and helping out. A job would really clog up my schedule." Seriously? "I'm moving home to help out my parents." Yeah right. "I need to go back to school." Again? Dude, just make some money, already. This is ridiculous. "I'm almost finished with my book, invention, business proposal, hit song." Okay, how about you work a job while you develop that billion-dollar idea? WORK! Just do it! Sometimes it seems like this whole generation of guys is riding on the backs of its amazing, hard working, overly nurturing girls. It's downright outrageous. Previous generations are appalled and frankly, so am I.

Let's get to the part we always wish we could glaze over or all out ignore: sex. Some of these guys are so perverse in their concepts and expectations around sex it is literally sickening. Pornography's prevalence and accessibility has turned our guys into over stimulated nut cases. The insanity of what I've heard is available at the fingertips of our guys is appalling. The ease, privacy, and prevalence of the worst kinds of pornography available in every home in America has really introduced a serious illness into our society. Not to mention, this garbage is free. I've known seven women who have experienced divorce as a result of their husband's porn addiction, and that's just in my immediate circle of friends. I've heard this is quite a phenomenon. This may sound over the top but it actually makes a lot of sense. Think about it: porn can destroy a man's ideas around sex, making him less satisfied with normal sex. When he finds his mate is less than interested in wielding a whip, wearing a metal corset, or inviting the neighbors to join in he feels jilted. So he turns to his computer, chat rooms, prostitutes, or random lost souls he finds, flatters, and feasts upon. That's a recipe for dysfunction for any man. If he happens to be married he ruins someone else's life in the process. It's amazing but true; many of these men drag children into the chaos either of divorce, sexual abuse, or both. I've heard that this addiction, like many addictions, can cause lethargy, depression, and self-sabotage. The results are joblessness, debt, poverty, depression, divorce, criminality, and in some cases suicide. Some think pornography is just a healthy part of any normal man's life and that viewing it is harmless and even a practice that supports a robust male sexuality. I couldn't think of a more damaging lie to believe on either side of gender lines. The danger is clear from where I'm standing. It's clear.

Our world has changed significantly with the presence of on-line dating, facebook, texting, and chat rooms. Some of these things are harmless if used in a healthy way. Some of them are helpful and connective. But if used improperly, these technologies can promote seriously harmful dysfunctions such as sexual promiscuity, sexual predatoriness, and statutory rape. There is a new frontier for stalking, preying upon, and dominating women and girls and it is available in almost every home in America.

What are we to hope for? What is the dream? To end up with a guy who eats at your bank account, your nerves, your values, your soul? How much are we supposed to take? What's what anymore? Who's getting the check? Who's planning the dates? Who is reverencing womanhood? Is anything sacred anymore? Who remembers what a meaningful conversation looks, sounds and feels like? You know, the ones where you are sitting across from the person and they listen and talk and you listen and talk and no one is saying whatever he can think of to get the "in". Drop the games, guys! Please! Drop the façade, drop the cheesy money talk, the intellectual sparring, the ego massage, the manipulation, the sexy talk that's not so sexy, the pseudo-science analyses, the latest thing you read on How to Bag Chicks dot com and be a real human, man! Just a request. Just a suggestion from someone who has heard it all, all but the truth.