...A retraction

I have been feeling remorseful after writing and posting something quite untrue on this blog. I didn't mean to be dishonest but as I examine my feelings on a certain subject I discover I was writing from a very wonky point of view. As I thought on the matter more and more my feelings were changed. In a recent post titled "..A rant" I said that many of my super cool genius guy friends seem to end up with the blandest girls they can find. But as I thought about each one of these couples, I became more and more ashamed of ever making that statement. While some people are less vocal than others, that certainly doesn't make them less interesting. Perhaps it takes a bit more time, energy and effort to get to know certain personality types and perhaps, in many cases, those we get to know slowly are more worth knowing. Perhaps these women who I hastily deemed "inferior" are in fact superior in the ways that count the most. While their husbands and boyfriends are verbose perhaps they are pensive and reflective. Where their "better halves" are well versed, perhaps they are well mannered. Where I am brash and overconfident perhaps they are aware of their worth and keep it quiet rather than making a spectacle. I am so sorry if my words caused hurt feelings. I want you all to know that this blog operates as an ongoing experiment in self discovery as well as a mechanism for communion and connection. Nothing herein should be seen as conclusive or taken as inflexible fact. I often write when my feelings are at their pinnacle, whether for good or for bad. I write at my happiest and most excited and I also write when I am feeling hurt or confused. Occasionally writers have to make public retractions and I am happy to do so now. As I think more and more about the matter, I feel inferiority itself may be a fallacy altogether.

...A rant

Do you know how many times a day someone tries to engage me in a conversation about being single and how I should fix it? By that I mean people try and match me up or offer suggestions about online dating or say things like, "Who are you dating?" or "You're single! Why?" or "Those guys must be deaf, dumb, and blind!" My response, "No. They have other problems." And many guys I've dated have had complex problems. Some of them just weren't a good fit. Some of them were great and just not "mine". So, daily, I am bombarded with questions from my students or their parents or my friends or the cafeteria ladies or the cashier or well meaning people at church. It seems like people are really uncomfortable with me just being a single person. It must seem unnatural or strange. It often feels that way. I'm not really sure how it looks on the outside or why so many people are endlessly preoccupied with it. Many people have wanted to set me up with their brothers or sons. Occasionally I will get random suggestions, even confident declarations like emails titled "A Man for Kristin". I'd like to be excited. I'm just so dubious at this point I don't know how to muster any enthusiasm. For the sake of entertainment and perhaps to illustrate a point I would like to share one of my responses to such an email. The friend trying to make the match is a dear man who served in my previous ward's bishopric before he moved himself and his family to Arizona. I love that he thinks of me and wants to help. As you'll soon see my response to his enthusiastic set up was a bit singed around the edges. I'll admit, I'm a little embarrassed about how strongly I reacted, but at the same time I am really glad that I am passionate about my own health and well being and I am happy I have the strength to protect myself.
Here's my response to his invitation to fly the blind date out to meet me:

"Dear Bro. H,

So, here's my rant: (not that you asked for one....) As it relates to blind dates, and dating in general, really: Over the past four years I have been unsuccessfully matched and/or interested in the following "types":

• the prodigals son
• the wayward genius
• the recovering addict
• the born again straight guy
• the perfect man who happens to be an atheist
• the guy who touts his 18 year relationship with marijuana as being "spiritual"
• the wonderful EQP who is 8 years my junior

None of these has panned out. So, I'm a little wary, if not wiser for the wear. Do I need a perfect guy? No. Am I a perfect girl? No. But I would like someone in reasonable health, especially mentally. Addictions are a NO. If there is a history of addiction I am going to say firmly: NO. I have already suffered enough with the vices of men. I really literally cannot stomach another round of anyone else's addiction(s). On another note, if he is an overly aggressive type he won't like me and I won't like him. I'm alpha and there's no pretending not to be. Powerhouse guys love powerhouse girls. They just don't marry them. They can't stand sharing lime light. Understandable. I, however, love sharing lime light and would prefer to be with someone just as dynamic as myself. I've just noticed that many of my genius, dynamic, super cool guy friends end up with the blandest girls they can find; HUGE discrepancies in intelligence, talent, and general sharpness. It is VERY interesting. The only theory I have on this so far is that it is somehow comforting to be coupled with someone you know to be inferior. While I don't personally think I could manage it myself, I can honestly say I "get it". I could go on and on about that but I'll spare you the dearly won, tedious data. So, if he is intelligent, driven, humble enough to date a sharp girl, righteous---as in TEMPLE WORTHY, and cool enough to make me laugh then let's say YES. If this is scary for him then he fails the test and that's a NO. Bro. H, I don't mean to sound crazy or difficult or (insert euphemism for bitter here) but I have been through so much. I have had high hopes in hopeless situations. I have given years of my life to people who didn't know how to treat a human, much less conceive of her as being a daughter of God. I am very protective and wary of guys who treat women like objects, belittle women, or perceive women as things to be "won". I'm not a walk in the park, Bro. H. I'm too smart to pretend to be simple and rumor has it guys don't like complexity. That's too bad because that's all I know. I couldn't dumb it down if I wanted to. So, that said, do you still think your man is up to the challenge of meeting me? Think about it. You let me know. I won't try and "scare him off" but I won't be able to pretend to be cute and simple with any success. Bro. H, I want you to know I love you. You are beyond great and I've always enjoyed you. We miss you here. Please visit. I hope I didn't scare you or dishearten you in any way. The fact is, I may be better off alone. It's not ideal but it's better than many, many other outcomes. Your fan, Kristin Ferrell"

I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking I'm trying to be scary. I'm seriously not. I'm honestly trying to prevent disasters. I'm the guardian of my own precious little life. This is a ridiculously precarious existence. I am too sensitive to put myself in the hands of a reprobate, liar, pervert, cad, or any variety of idiot. Is it wrong to articulate such things? Sue me.