We Wear Who We Are

We do. It's true. I've seen it and I'm seeing it more and more these days. Our thoughts turn us to act. We act. We become what those collective actions make of us. And then we think about that some more. Those thoughts evolve and prompt more action. Over time we realize we are spinning a life; we are creating ourselves; what is our legacy?
I've seen people's backs bend under the mistakes they've made. There is literally a corrupt bend in the spine where they forgot to be decent. I've seen other people shine because of their goodness. They emit a radiance that comes out of the eyes and spins around the mouth and can be felt from hand to hand. They are gorgeous in ways mere prettiness could never hope to understand. Their stature takes your breath away. You're somehow left feeling safer, like perhaps the world is not so awful and frightening and wrong. Maybe there are more than just cads and seekers of sensation. Maybe they are rare but you've met a few and that means they exist.
I've been tracing patterns in my life. I've noticed I tend to like a certain kind if man I ought to give up on. I always like the cleverest man. I like him because he is interesting. I like the most entertaining one. I like the most dynamic. But this same sort of man is the kind of man who has honed his measured methods well, usually in order to capture things. This same sort of man may find that in all his successes he accidentally gets captured himself. I would like to start realizing that perhaps the reason none of these clever, interesting, entertaining, dynamic relationships has lasted is because these guys don't want to end up with someone just as clever, interesting, entertaining, or dynamic. No, no. They like an audience and they don't want competition for it. But it seems easy for a man to love someone who is not his equal. I don't think I could manage it myself. I want someone who amazes me. I want someone who understands what it's like to stay up all night because an inspiring idea refuses to let you sleep. Not that you didn't want to sleep but you didn't seem to have a choice that night. But you still go to work and you sleep it off the next afternoon and evening. I guess often, men are okay with having things compartmentalized in certain ways. What I mean is, they seem to be able to turn to their friends and colleagues for things like discussing ideas and sharing dreams and ambitions and they turn to their significant others for mere comfort and quiet companionship; meals and love and quiet little smiles and gazes. That's great, I guess, but I don't think I could manage it. I want to talk about theories and possibilities and have the guy actually get it all, at least conceptually. I would never be content with a pretty person who smiles a lot and helps me with chores. What a bore! I like a dynamic man but those guys like background girls. They want to shine alone. The girl is just ornamental. Of course, there are a number of exceptions to this norm. I am thankful for that. I've met plenty of amazing couples, both intelligent counterparts to a magnificent whole.
Sometimes I wish I were more vanilla. I tell myself life would be so much easier. But then I realize, I'm already wearing the truth on my face! I'm not a simple girl. Anyone can see that. My thoughts come buzzing out of my eyes even before they cross my lips. And even if they don't see it, all they'd have to do is listen for a minute or two and then the conviction is sure. She's no stroll in the park. That's a venture for skilled climbers only. Alas, all I can do is try my best to be the best version of myself I can render in a lifetime.