Lost and Found

This summer has yielded much more than its share of drama ranging from bliss to trauma and everything in between. Sometimes I actually wish my life were more parts boring and less parts intense. But in truth, those moments are rare. I like life in brassy trumpets.

Tonight I feel very tired. I've been losing things, important things: friends, chances, my sensibilities...more. But in these loses I have found things. I've found opportunities, renewal, faith, old friends, new friends, and I found my strength again.

I was really sick last week. It was scary and sad. For a couple seconds I thought I was quite alone in the world. I was so wrong. No sooner had I felt the pinch of self pity enter my heart did I start realizing I was actually the luckiest girl in the world. I received so many flowers this place looked like Ms. America's dressing room. I got chocolates, balloons, ice cream, dinners, lunches, cookies, books, movies, the most beautiful key chain ever, and a collector's decorative plate, heart-shaped, with a little cherub painted on it, an Iron and Wine concert ticket and some very pretty nail polish. I received loving cards, notes, letters and had great visits and conversations on the phone. Just when I was giving in to a serious bout of self doubt, love came rushing in like a welcome flood. I just soaked it up, reveled, cried, and prayed for forgiveness for being such a faithless ingrate. I am so grateful, so grateful.

It seems like life is sifting things for me, shaking things out. Things not meant to stick are falling away. True things, good things, things worth my time and attention, those things stick, almost despite my errors in word, deed, or conception. This is good news because I can be pretty silly often. My judgement often leaves a lot to be desired. But I feel like there are safety nets all around, and it doesn't matter how duped I get with this or that person, this or that idea, in the end the truth is always going to shine through, always. Real things will always set themselves apart from the counterfeit. My true friends will always be my friends, always. Some will fall away. Some will move away. Some will pass away. That's okay. We'll meet again and maybe we'll be much more worthy of each others' affections at that point.

To those who offered love and comfort last week, possibly one of the most difficult weeks of my adult life so far, thank you for your help. Thank you for remembering me and helping me to feel cherished. It made all the difference. You found me.

"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see..."
(Amazing Grace)