I should have been a sea thing

I've been watching IMAX documentaries about the ocean for a couple weeks. Apparently when I was making my queue on Netflix I thought I wanted to see a fair amount about the sea. Anyway, about how I should've been a sea thing, sometimes as I walk down the halls at work I imagine myself suddenly swimming, gliding down the halls instead. I want to swim so badly. It's still too cold. I love ocean creatures. They're so strange and colorful and symbiotic. I like how they move, so gracefully. Jellyfish are especially interesting; transparent, luminous, stingy, diminutive if not massive. And octopi! Incredible. They change their color and texture to match their surroundings instantly! Vicious little buggers, too. Sea snails are amazing as well. I would never have believed in them without the photographic proof. Every color, incredibly decorated, venomous, some have shells, others poisonous quills. They're all born male. Those who survive long enough mature into females, eventually. Very interesting! I love the diversity of this ecosystem. If I had been born a sea thing I think I should have been a leather back sea turtle. They are fantastic swimmers, well protected, and live to be very old. Seafood is my favorite. Time for a poem!

I should have been a sea thing
Living where all is now
Swimming in the cool forever
A little risk always tingling at my back

The wet worlds of such alien life
Layers of sunlight, shadow, hunters, victims
Feeling every swell, every ripple, every wave
Breathing in the secrets of a hidden world

Things alive for ages, evolving, changing
Linking a destiny with mine
All shimmer and glitter, scale and fin
Gill and tail

Things like brains grow in scarlet, bronze, deep purple
To float on time, in time and out of time
Beyond it, beneath it somehow
Tentacles curl around the things they want
And they take

A life always on the brink of an ending
Old things new, now is all there is
I should have been a sea thing
Perhaps the air knew better

"This is OUR Year, I promise!"

Written at 2:37am, Mountain Standard Time, January 1, 2011.

My Auntie Sharon said it tonight on the dance floor, and I'm inclined to believe it.

WHAT A NIGHT!!! My cousin Rosie's daughter, Alegra, had her quincenera tonight, or rather, yesterday. It was such an amazing way to ring in the new year, surrounded by loving family. I had a number of incredible moments I'd like to share. My brother, Dave, and his dear wife Kelley, son Aaron, daughter Lauren and I all went to the party together. It was a wonderful drive over, lots of laughs accompanying my rendition of Over the River and Through the Woods which mentions the Rio Grande, cemented feet, and never making it to grandmother's house. Once we arrived we stepped into the gorgeous room, decked in black, white, and silver; roses, calla lilies, candles, chandeliers, sheer draping from ceiling to floor, towering cake, incredible tables, full brass band. But it would only get better.

Our family was together! Alegra came in wearing a stunning crimson gown. Her dress was absolutely amazing but the girl in the dress made everything around her shine. She is a precious jewel, a rarity. As is her darling sister, Sophia. Radiant doesn't even being to describe it! It isn't hard to understand where these girls get this glow. They are lucky to have the most precious parents imaginable: my cousin Rosana and her sweet husband Rene. They have always been living examples of loveliness to me and they've passed that on to the next generation. Everyone seemed to be shining tonight. My Auntie Vicky and Auntie Sharon were dazzling to behold in their long gowns and resplendent countenances. My brother and his wife and children were too wonderful for words. They make everything fun and amazing and sacred somehow. Just being near them is divinity. My little brother, Bryan was there with Sol. They just had a baby three months ago. Baby Amina is our newest little miracle. They looked so beautiful together. It was really something to see. Sol reminds me of Regina Spektor; poignant, pure beauty. My sister, Wendy and her jovial and effervescent Lee came in looking like Hollywood itself. My cousins, Melanie and Victoria, are exquisite beauties with hearts of gold and eyes that prove it. And I sat there, looking around at my relatives, far too many to mention in great detail, and I just tried to take it all in.

The women in my family scream when they see each other. It's a distinct sounding out pour of emotion, one I wish I could spell out but I can't think of the letter combination I would use to do so. But suffice it to say they scream, the most loving, adoring, joyous scream one could ever imagine. That is what my aunties, cousins, sister, and nieces do. And of course I do it, too. Our great aunts and grandmother did it before us and our little girls will do it, too. The sound put and exploding bliss into my heart that I had almost forgotten. If I had to put it into words I might say it was like coming home after a long journey in a wonky wasteland. Not that life has been too unkind but, truth be told, 2010 kicked my trash in ways I prefer to forget, so I'll spare the mentioning of any tedious detail on that note. But that noise, that feminine shriek of adoring, it healed me a little. It just did.

Dinner was fantastic. Dessert was interesting. I ate a sparkling, silver, glittery cake ball. My face was awash in fairy dust the rest of the night.

The music was intoxicating. I danced like a banshee on a date with a bewitched pirate. Make of that what you will. I like how it sounds and it felt even better. Everyone was dancing! Even the shiest members of our family made it to the floor eventually. I loved it! I loved seeing my sweet siblings and their significant others so joyful. I was full of gratitude for it. We've been through so much it sometimes seems unfair and ridiculous but tonight there was this feeling of balance, like everything was in God's hands, safe from injurious variables and unexpected capers of any kind. It was simply, I don't know how else to say it, miraculous. Everyone was so beautiful and yet silly and yet poised and just ridiculously wonderful. It filled my guts with awe and inspiration. How did I end up deserving these guys? How? How? How? How did God know we belonged together more than any other souls?

When the countdown was over and the white balloons descended, we toasted, kissed, hugged, and cried. Yes. I cried a little. Don't act surprised. It was a sacred little moment in time. I looked up in a sort of amazed state, said a little prayer of thanks and made a few wishes, too. Something seemed to wash over me, warm and tingling at the same time, like being doused in a magic elixir. My Auntie Sharon saw me in that little trance, motioned me to her, embraced me and said it, "This is our year, babe. I promise!" We sneaked out in a dancey little way. The valet brought round the car. We hopped in, in our crowns, hats, blowing our horns and spinning our noise makers; everything right with the world. If this is any indicator of how 2011 will be, I'll ask you to stay tuned. I think this is about to get interesting. Happy New Year!

...A retraction

I have been feeling remorseful after writing and posting something quite untrue on this blog. I didn't mean to be dishonest but as I examine my feelings on a certain subject I discover I was writing from a very wonky point of view. As I thought on the matter more and more my feelings were changed. In a recent post titled "..A rant" I said that many of my super cool genius guy friends seem to end up with the blandest girls they can find. But as I thought about each one of these couples, I became more and more ashamed of ever making that statement. While some people are less vocal than others, that certainly doesn't make them less interesting. Perhaps it takes a bit more time, energy and effort to get to know certain personality types and perhaps, in many cases, those we get to know slowly are more worth knowing. Perhaps these women who I hastily deemed "inferior" are in fact superior in the ways that count the most. While their husbands and boyfriends are verbose perhaps they are pensive and reflective. Where their "better halves" are well versed, perhaps they are well mannered. Where I am brash and overconfident perhaps they are aware of their worth and keep it quiet rather than making a spectacle. I am so sorry if my words caused hurt feelings. I want you all to know that this blog operates as an ongoing experiment in self discovery as well as a mechanism for communion and connection. Nothing herein should be seen as conclusive or taken as inflexible fact. I often write when my feelings are at their pinnacle, whether for good or for bad. I write at my happiest and most excited and I also write when I am feeling hurt or confused. Occasionally writers have to make public retractions and I am happy to do so now. As I think more and more about the matter, I feel inferiority itself may be a fallacy altogether.

...A rant

Do you know how many times a day someone tries to engage me in a conversation about being single and how I should fix it? By that I mean people try and match me up or offer suggestions about online dating or say things like, "Who are you dating?" or "You're single! Why?" or "Those guys must be deaf, dumb, and blind!" My response, "No. They have other problems." And many guys I've dated have had complex problems. Some of them just weren't a good fit. Some of them were great and just not "mine". So, daily, I am bombarded with questions from my students or their parents or my friends or the cafeteria ladies or the cashier or well meaning people at church. It seems like people are really uncomfortable with me just being a single person. It must seem unnatural or strange. It often feels that way. I'm not really sure how it looks on the outside or why so many people are endlessly preoccupied with it. Many people have wanted to set me up with their brothers or sons. Occasionally I will get random suggestions, even confident declarations like emails titled "A Man for Kristin". I'd like to be excited. I'm just so dubious at this point I don't know how to muster any enthusiasm. For the sake of entertainment and perhaps to illustrate a point I would like to share one of my responses to such an email. The friend trying to make the match is a dear man who served in my previous ward's bishopric before he moved himself and his family to Arizona. I love that he thinks of me and wants to help. As you'll soon see my response to his enthusiastic set up was a bit singed around the edges. I'll admit, I'm a little embarrassed about how strongly I reacted, but at the same time I am really glad that I am passionate about my own health and well being and I am happy I have the strength to protect myself.
Here's my response to his invitation to fly the blind date out to meet me:

"Dear Bro. H,

So, here's my rant: (not that you asked for one....) As it relates to blind dates, and dating in general, really: Over the past four years I have been unsuccessfully matched and/or interested in the following "types":

• the prodigals son
• the wayward genius
• the recovering addict
• the born again straight guy
• the perfect man who happens to be an atheist
• the guy who touts his 18 year relationship with marijuana as being "spiritual"
• the wonderful EQP who is 8 years my junior

None of these has panned out. So, I'm a little wary, if not wiser for the wear. Do I need a perfect guy? No. Am I a perfect girl? No. But I would like someone in reasonable health, especially mentally. Addictions are a NO. If there is a history of addiction I am going to say firmly: NO. I have already suffered enough with the vices of men. I really literally cannot stomach another round of anyone else's addiction(s). On another note, if he is an overly aggressive type he won't like me and I won't like him. I'm alpha and there's no pretending not to be. Powerhouse guys love powerhouse girls. They just don't marry them. They can't stand sharing lime light. Understandable. I, however, love sharing lime light and would prefer to be with someone just as dynamic as myself. I've just noticed that many of my genius, dynamic, super cool guy friends end up with the blandest girls they can find; HUGE discrepancies in intelligence, talent, and general sharpness. It is VERY interesting. The only theory I have on this so far is that it is somehow comforting to be coupled with someone you know to be inferior. While I don't personally think I could manage it myself, I can honestly say I "get it". I could go on and on about that but I'll spare you the dearly won, tedious data. So, if he is intelligent, driven, humble enough to date a sharp girl, righteous---as in TEMPLE WORTHY, and cool enough to make me laugh then let's say YES. If this is scary for him then he fails the test and that's a NO. Bro. H, I don't mean to sound crazy or difficult or (insert euphemism for bitter here) but I have been through so much. I have had high hopes in hopeless situations. I have given years of my life to people who didn't know how to treat a human, much less conceive of her as being a daughter of God. I am very protective and wary of guys who treat women like objects, belittle women, or perceive women as things to be "won". I'm not a walk in the park, Bro. H. I'm too smart to pretend to be simple and rumor has it guys don't like complexity. That's too bad because that's all I know. I couldn't dumb it down if I wanted to. So, that said, do you still think your man is up to the challenge of meeting me? Think about it. You let me know. I won't try and "scare him off" but I won't be able to pretend to be cute and simple with any success. Bro. H, I want you to know I love you. You are beyond great and I've always enjoyed you. We miss you here. Please visit. I hope I didn't scare you or dishearten you in any way. The fact is, I may be better off alone. It's not ideal but it's better than many, many other outcomes. Your fan, Kristin Ferrell"

I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking I'm trying to be scary. I'm seriously not. I'm honestly trying to prevent disasters. I'm the guardian of my own precious little life. This is a ridiculously precarious existence. I am too sensitive to put myself in the hands of a reprobate, liar, pervert, cad, or any variety of idiot. Is it wrong to articulate such things? Sue me.

Hooray for Turkey Day!!

I LOVE AUTUMN! And I love Thanksgiving. Yesterday was unforgettable! I woke up early, put on my running clothes, pinned on my little bib with the number 1673 to the front of my shirt, and headed to Ivy's. Ivy was running around her kitchen trying to see if her new shoes would be ideal for our five mile run. OH YEAH!! We ran the Austin Turkey Trot!! Our friend Candace did it, too. Ivy's lovely friend Tara joined in on the fun as well. It was extraordinary! Almost 3,ooo people ran! Awesome! So, my time was within my goal, even though I had to walk a few times to catch my breath. I ran 11 minute miles and made it within 51 minutes! For me, that's great! Ivy and Candace came in before me and those girls ran the whole time! They amaze. Candace and I are going to train for a 10k next. This stuff is addicting. I don't think I ever sweat so much on a Thanksgiving before in my life. And that includes the time I did the cooking!

After that adventure Ivy took us to see a beautiful view on Mt. Bonnell. Then we went to see the peacocks at Laguna Gloria. We took pictures. Laughed. Talked. Then it was time for me to get in gear for food time!

I rushed home, took a shower, started making stuffing. Ooh. This stuffing was like heaven: cornbread, herbs, butter, three types of raisins, mushrooms, and candied slivered almonds. Great stuff! Then packed up my apple pie, glorious apple pie: grated granny smiths, darling crust that I cut into leaf shapes all over the top...packed up the stuffing, dropped off the stuffing at Ivy's, took the pie over to Jass's mom's where I had my first meal. It was so beautiful! I had never met Jassy's mom before so this was really fun for me since I've heard so much about her. She was so welcoming and lovely and her home was simply gorgeous. Such a beautiful person! And her doggies were so cute and funny and I got to pet them and talk to them. And Jass and Emily were busy busy in the kitchen making all kinds of wonderfulness. We talked while the finishing touches were being applied. They made the most amazing spread! And very healthy, too. We ate a lot, but no one ate as much as Jass. His plate was a mountain. I'll post the picture as soon as he sends it. Then we had THE PIE. Oooh. It was good. Jass said it was the best pie in the history of pies but he's always saying stuff like that. Cutie.

Then it was off to Ivy's! I love Ivy's house. It is warm and welcoming and fun and always open. Dear Melissa, Heather, Jason, Amy, and Brennen were there. Tara, Ivy, Bethany, Britney, and Desiree were there, too. It was so great, a lot like family. I had more pie. Pumpkin this time. We had a toast delivered by Ivy. It was sweet.

As I sat looking around the room I was overcome with a certain appreciation for all these people. Each one is so incredibly unique. Everybody is pursuing things, forging their dreams, making it happen in their various ways. I just thought it was beautiful in that moment. I just really felt a sense of everyone's worth, and it was really something.

I am grateful for many things. I know I do a lot of ranting on this blog but I hope I express my awe and appreciation enough, at least as much as I do my disappointment and pain. I am very aware of how charmed and blessed my life has been and continues to be. This may be an awkward time, fraught with indecision, uncertainty, and frusteration, but all in all, I think it's pretty sweet. I love being American. I love being Mormon. I love being a writer, teacher, singer, painter, and conversationalist. I love being a sister, a daughter, a friend. As we close this year, 2010, I am grateful and reflective. Thanks for reading.

The Torture Chamber

...otherwise known as the teachers' lounge. I don't know if I can go back there. Every once in a while I take a break from it and eat lunch on my own, sometimes in my car listening to NPR or a book on CD. Yesterday it was more treacherous than ever. I walk in with my Longhorn lunch box, set it down in my spot, greet everybody, smile, buy a Coke, crack it open. Normal. Happy. Then my buddy Joe says, "Hey, have you ever heard that Fleetwood Mack song about being lost and clueless about love? It reminds me of you. I bet you could sing that convincingly. Let's try it!" "Why's that Joe? Do I strike you as one who is overly lost?" "Well, yes. When it comes to men." Ouch. Deflect. Breathe. Ok. Then another friend pipes up about how her husband thinks I am a lesbian. "He thinks you're scared of men because you like women." Right. Cool. That's great. I reacted really well to that one. "I would be the coolest lesbian ever! I would have access to the best girlfriends in the world! Gosh, my life would be so different. Too bad I'm cursed with heterosexuality. Awe. Poor me. And plus, I hate the clothes most lesbians wear. And haircuts. And I like men." It all came out of my mouth so fast I just couldn't seem to stop it. Defense mechanisms are so fight or flight. We all know lesbians dress in all kinds of different ways and wear their hair in all kinds of different ways, just like all of us. Why was I making jokes? Did I think I was funny? I'm sure most lesbians look better than me on any given day. Ellen does. But that's not the point. It's not about how anyone looks. It's about how things feel. PAUSE. Then I say, "Guys, I'm just taking a break from dating for a while. It's no big deal. I'm just not ready and I'm dealing with a lot of fears right now that I need to deal with. I'll be alright." A teacher I don't know very well yet decides to say, "It's like that bumper sticker says, "All your failed relationships have one thing in common, YOU."" Double ouch. To this I simply lifted my Coke and said, "Cheers". Then I decided to avoid the teacher's lounge for a while. I know everyone is just talking and they don't mean to be weird but I sure feel weird. I wish everyone would just let me be single without being deemed gay or lost or just hopelessly flawed. Look, I have had a hard time. Yes. I married young. It didn't work out. I tried my hardest. I tried for six years. It didn't work out. I've tried dating, a little. It hasn't worked out. Maybe that's been my fault. Maybe it hasn't. Maybe I haven't met the right person. Maybe I'm not the right person myself. I don't know. But I'm trying to become the right person. I'm trying. I'm doing everything I can think of to fix all the things I am aware of that need fixing. I am reading books about things. I'm in therapy. I'm talking with those I trust who've "made it" in the world of marriage and family. The fact is, I may never get there. The fact is that may not be my fault so much as my lot. I'm scared. Everyone knows that. What if I fail again? Will that be further proof, of the bumper sticker philosophy? That all my failed relationships are because of me? What if I did take another chance? And he cheated on me. Would that be my fault, too? What if he turned out to be abusive, criminally minded, selfish, or dishonest. My fault? Again? There's some psychological reason I selected him, right? Flawed. I don't know, instead of asking me whether I'm afraid of losing my child bearing years could you ask me what I'm working on in music or art or writing? I'm bearing those things with success. Instead of asking me whether or not I think I'll ever be friends again with my ex-husband let's talk about the friends I've got already. Please don't make my failures fodder for entertainment. Please stop using my personal life as a backdrop for clever commentary or lively jokes. I know this may seem surprising, as I am always quick with a laugh, a smile, nothing seems to bother me, but it does. It all does. I'm not lost. I'm not just a divorcee. I'm not a lesbian. I'm not any of these things. Who I am is much more complex and perhaps much less interesting in the ways that 30 second analyses can process. I think it's time for respect to make her debut in that lounge.

My Friends, Chapter 11: Cynthia

Cynthia once told me a very moving story about her dear mother. Cynthia took care of her mom before she passed and in one of their final conversations her mom said she wished they'd been sisters rather than mother and daughter. That brings me to tears for many reasons. First, because I think it is a sweet sentiment to say such a thing, probably meaning she wanted to have lived her life beside such a soul as Cynthia rather than ahead of her or above her in one way or another. Also, because their is a certain humility I associate with that story. Perhaps Cynthia's mom was saying she felt a little unqualified to be such a person's mother. I don't know for sure. These are assumptions but the reason I share them is to illustrate my own feelings for my dear Cynthia. I, too, have felt we should have been sisters. I met Cynthia as a 22 year old newly married girl. Our first exchange went something like this: "WOW!!", Cynthia exclaimed, pointing at Kristin's significantly sized diamond ring. "I never got a diamond myself," she said in a good humored, accepting way, little shrug, big smile. And that's how it started. We were at a church enrichment meeting for the Relief Society, all women. I felt so embarrassed of that ring so often. It really is gorgeous. It was just so eye catching and it brought out all kinds of weird female behavior. But Cynthia was just being observant. She really is so observant of others and cares very much about how people are doing. She has always been that way with me.
As a newly married person I had very little interest in people my own age. My best friend was on her mission and all the BYU couples were in their own little universe. I was going to UT and struggling with the notion that I had married someone who did not love me. I felt awkward in life and wasn't sure how to relate with others. I missed my best friend so much I thought I was going to die of loneliness. I avoided friends because I didn't know how to explain why I wasn't happy. I was harboring hopes about some miracle, always looming in the future, that would fix my marriage. I was pretty isolated. My one joy was working at the Montessori school in the afternoons where I enjoyed the company of curious and beautiful children. It was very fulfilling and fun.
So, in my dismal situation, I tried to avoid situations and people that would make me feel trapped or cornered or places I would be forced to talk. If I started talking who knows what I might say? Or I might start to cry unexpectedly. How awful. Somehow Cynthia made her way through these layers of fear and pain and became my friend. She came over one Saturday morning to train me how to create the ward bulletin. She was very helpful. I found her very fun and chatty and vibrant. I thought she was so beautiful and bright. I just couldn't help but love her. She invited us to dinner. I told her what my husband would and would not eat so as not to find ourselves in an embarrassing situation. "Meat and potatoes. Okay. I can handle that!" She was so darling.
When I graduated from UT she threw me a wonderful party. Many friends from the ward came. It was in her home on the Sunday following my graduation. There was a gorgeous fruit platter with interestingly cut produce, it looked like art. There were all kinds of hors d'oeuvres and a magnificent chocolate cake with a scrolled diploma illustrated on it in white icing. It was so amazing! The whole thing. Everyone else's husband was there. Not my own. He was tired that day. It was always so sad and embarrassing explaining why my husband wasn't around or why he would behave in interesting ways. I hated having to explain things I didn't understand myself. The year before, when he graduated, I attended all his festivities in smiles and high heels. But Cynthia wasn't offended by his absence. I was grateful because I was mortified by his lack of interest in my successes in general and hated to think he was offending the few people I trusted; those who loved and celebrated my joys with unselfish generosity. It meant the world to me.
Years went by and Cynthia was always a fixture at birthday parties, holiday celebrations, baby showers I would throw for friends, and the occasional casual gathering. She kept inviting us to dinner and humbly serving some version of meat and potatoes each time. When I became the choir director at church she and her son Chase joined right up. It was so fun to have them on board. One Easter we did an entire cantata that ran the whole sacrament meeting. It was beautiful.
When things started to really go south in my marriage Cynthia was able to pick up on the signs of grief readily. We talked longs hours. I stayed at her house a few times to sort out my thoughts. It was a ghastly time. She helped me tremendously. When I decided to give my marriage another heartfelt try, she was supportive, although concerned. I moved to Chicago with a wisp of a hope left in my heart that all would be well. My husband would be attending law school up there. So we went and I got a job teaching fourth grade in the Village of Wilmette where we also lived. I kept in touch with Cynthia via telephone and email. When I was hit with the confession about another woman I called her almost immediately. "Come on home, girl!" And that's just what I did, after a few months wrapping things up in Chicago. I went directly to Cynthia's house upon my arrival. I cried a lot. We laughed a lot. We ate a lot. I felt such a tangible relief, it was really quite amazing. I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I knew everything would be alright, somehow. Cynthia helped me see that. I had high hopes. I was offered a job at the school I had taught at after my graduation. I was thrilled to accept it. Cynthia helped me move into my classroom and set things up. She came with me that spring to El Paso. We took her van and we talked the entire time. It was so fun. Nine hours never passed so quickly. She got to meet my parents and we stayed with them and ate all kinds of ridiculously wonderful Mexican food. I showed her some of my old haunts like the art museum and some fun hang outs. She met my uncle Bob and my aunt Sharon. We had a blast. And we've really been having fun ever since. She has helped me move like 7 times! She has given me great advice. When it got icy she insisted I spend the night. "In case your pipes freeze, it's best you stay with us for a couple days." It's always been like that. We joined ART DIVAS together, unexpectedly one Saturday. Now we rub elbows with artsy fartsy ladies who have more money than they know what to throw at. It's really cute. I sang solos at her father's memorial service and her son's wedding reception. She checks on me every week and I feel so blessed to have such a person in my life. She is family. No other way to describe it. Her dear husband, Rick, has been so wonderful, too. He is the sweetest man in the world and has given me wise counsel and has blessed me in times of trial. When I had a dog they watched Bella any time I had to go out of town. Bella was no picnic either. Prima donna doesn't even begin to describe it. Suffice it to say, Cynthia is a true friend, beloved, and enduring. It's nice to know that in this complicated world, some things only evolve over time and do not fade and diminish. Cynthia, you have been my adviser, my friend, my sister, in many ways like a mother and I am ever grateful. I love you so!